5 Things I Learned When My Daughter Was Sexually Abused

My primary reason for starting #WeToo and sharing the story of our daughter’s sexual abuse is to help other families who are feeling the same sense of shame and isolation that I felt after Princess Milkface disclosed her abuse.  When I think back to those days, I realize there are lessons I carried forward from that time.  Here are 5 of them that I pray may be helpful to others.

1.  The shame of “letting” sexual abuse happen to your child

Oh…the shame.  I wish I had a good answer for this one.  To this day, when I talk to someone new about how Princess Milkface was molested, I still have that sting of feeling we should have done more to prevent it.  And…I immediately brace myself for their judgment.  And…I’m surprised and grateful when it doesn’t come.

I believe that Satan is very real, and he is Pissed. Off.

That our family didn’t fall apart.

That Honyay didn’t attack Willy when we learned how he betrayed our trust

That we didn’t turn away from God in anger and hurt for not protecting us.

1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  I could let those jabs of shame stop me from sharing our story out of fear of judgment from others, and Satan would be delighted. I would disobey God’s calling for me and miss the opportunity to glorify His faithfulness.

2.  Use your resources and report abuse to the experts.

This is closely related to #1.  Many people who are close to me have shared that they were abused in the past, and it was never reported.  I can understand the temptation to handle the situation outside “the system.”  It was something we seriously considered at first.  Even in our hurt and anger, we didn’t want to ruin Willy’s life.  We could tell his parents, give him a stern talking to, and Princess Milkface would be safe.  I was scared that the police, district attorney, and child welfare services would judge us for neglecting our child and allowing her to become a victim.   It would be so easy to rationalize that she was young and might never remember it anyway.

And yet….as I prayed and thought about Princess Milkface in the next 10 years and beyond, I knew that wasn’t good enough.  We didn’t want her to think her victimization was okay….for someone else to repeat it, or for her to perpetuate it.  While it was still relevant, we needed to get help with creating a safety plan for her.  For that to happen, the first step was reporting the abuse to the authorities.

We were blessed with incredible partnership from the investigator, the District Attorney’s office, and the local probation officer.  We sought out therapist support for Princess Milkface, Captain Starburst, and ourselves with an agency that specializes in support for sexual abuse victims.  The level of expertise they had with Princess Milkface, the empathy they had for Captain Starburst and the perspective they offered Honyay and me empowered us all to keep moving forward.

3.  Grace has to be enough.

It’s easy to look back and see where we could have done a better job of protecting Princess Milkface.

We could have taught her the correct names for her private parts earlier than we did.

We could have taught her that even if it’s a game, even if it’s an accident, she should immediately tell us if anyone touches her inappropriately.

We could have focused more on the risk with those we trust, versus focusing so much on stranger danger.

We could have chosen to never let her out of our sight.

If we focused on all of those “could haves,” Honyay and I could have gotten stuck in the throes of criticizing ourselves and each other instead of opening ourselves to God’s healing power.  We could have missed seeing the grace that He showered on us…the grace that helped us catch the abuse quickly and get Willy’s full confession so we could begin to heal.

Beyond forgiving ourselves, we had to forgive Willy.  Not because some religious doctrine requires it, but because we couldn’t heal if we continued to carry that bitterness.  And, we did, but it was a process.

When Willy admitted some degree of guilt when we confronted him, we forgave him.

When we read greater detail of how he betrayed our trust in his signed confession, we had more to forgive. That took more time.

When we discovered that Willy and Captain Starburst continued to text with each other before Captain Starburst knew the full extent of the abuse, we had even more to forgive, now with both boys.

We had to continually draw on and share God’s grace with ourselves and each other for weeks while we healed.  That grace was enough, but we sure did need a lot of it.

4.  Take a deep breath and trust your people.  You need them.  

After we got home, I found myself very isolated.  We had the immediate support of the family around us when we discovered the abuse, but now we were alone.

After a few days, I asked one of my closest friends to meet in person because I needed to talk to her.  I was so afraid to share.  What if her reaction mirrored the constant indictment I was already imposing on myself?  I remember taking a deep breath, praying for God to help me, and then unloading…the story, the guilt, the burden…over a bottle of wine and a meal that I don’t think I could even taste.

I don’t remember what she said during that conversation, but I remember her crying with me, and I remember her empathy.  I left feeling as though, just maybe, I wasn’t the most world’s most terrible mother.  Opening that door helped me have the courage to open more doors and invite our closest friends and family to support us while we healed together as a family.

5.  Through it all, God is faithful.

After I was back to work and shared our story with a good friend, she said, “I just don’t know how people get through this life without God’s strength and peace.”

My dear reader, I don’t know what you believe, and that’s okay.  I’m not here to preach at you or condemn you.  I can only share what I believe and have experienced firsthand.  In the midst of our crisis, God intervened and saved Princess Milkface, the rest of our family, and even Willy.  God continues to heal our family and help us draw closer to Him.

If you are reading this with a broken heart right now, Jesus is brokenhearted for you.  He has the power to heal, if you invite him into your brokenness, right where you are.  While this world can feel so very broken, God is good, and He can be trusted.  He loves you and has a plan for you.