Captain Starburst and Sharapu: A Stepmom’s Path to Purpose in a Blended Family

What to Call the Stepmom?

Just before Honyay and I got engaged, we did a Thanksgiving roadtrip with Captain Starburst to visit family in Maryland. We created many fun memories on that trip, but one stuck more than any other.

We were playing The Game of Things with the whole family, including Captain Starburst’s cousins. If you haven’t played before, it’s a great game, really for ages 7 and up, that generates lots of laughter and inside family jokes. Essentially, you’re given a “thing” as a category, and you need to write down what “thing” comes to mind. Then, everyone tries to guess who said which “thing.”

For example….we had the category, “Things I Don’t Like to Do.” When one of the cousins was reading everyone’s answers, considerable confusion ensued when he read, “Shavapoo” with a French accent (part of the “fun” of this game is deciphering everyone’s handwriting!). We eventually got to the bottom of it and discovered that the intended answer was, “Shovel Poo”….as in, pick up dog poop.

We all got a good laugh out of it and continued to work it into random conversations for hours. At some point, Captain Starburst realized that my first name (Sharon) was similar to “Shavapoo,” and changed it to Shara-poo. I was less than amused and told him to let it go, but the poo stuck. I eventually convinced everyone to at least modify the spelling to Sharapu to increase the sophistication of my new name.

When I think back on my name origin, it’s symbolic for so much in my stepmom journey. Had someone asked me if I wanted to have a name that started out as “Shovel Poo,” would I have said, “Sign me up?” Probably not. However, while it wasn’t what I wanted, it was what we needed. Sharapu became a name that was special between Captain Starburst and me. It gave him something to call me that was more intimate than my first name, while not creating the discomfort that would have come from using “mom” when he already had a mom.

On a similar note, if someone had asked me in my 20’s if I wanted my first child to be a 10-year-old stepson, I would have probably asked what my other options were. Yet, I fell in love with Honyay and as I got to know Captain Starburst, I fell in love with him too. It took some time for us to bond, and he put me to the test. No, literally, he put me to the test! He quizzed me on fun facts about him, and I wasn’t allowed to give him hugs and kisses goodnight until I got a 100%. It’s been an eventful journey that’s flown by from those early 10-year-old encounters to now having more adult conversations with our college freshman.

The Sanctification of Stepmoms

I’ve heard it said that children are a powerful source of sanctification in our lives. Before I decided to write that fancy word, I googled it just be sure it meant what I thought it did.

Sanctify, transitive verb
1: to set apart to a sacred purpose or to religious use: CONSECRATE
2: to free from sin: PURIFY”

Merriam-Webster

Of all three kids who have entered my life in unique ways, I think my relationship with Captain Starburst has been the most directly sanctifying for me. We all have our “signature sins,” the stuff we really hold onto…that comes up over and over in our lives. For me, that’s pride.

There’s nothing quite like being a stepmom to bring you face to face with pride issues. By definition, I have always taken second place behind Captain Starburst’s mom. Logically, I understand that, and I accept it. But in the heat of the moment, it can be tough.

When Captain Starburst missed his mom because she was on a grown-up vacation, I took a day off to have a playdate with him. He spent the whole morning moping around the house because he really just wanted to spend time with his mom.

Pride said he was being ungrateful.

Love helped me remember that it was just my job to show up and be there for him.

I spent HOURS helping him with homework, quizzing him for tests, and dealing with the fallout of procrastination when I would have rather been doing just about anything else.

Pride said, “Look at me! I’m such a great stepmom for going above and beyond. LOOK! AT! ME!!!!”

Love said, “You’re just doing what you can to do to help him succeed.”

When Captain Starburst proudly displayed his parents’ wedding picture in his bedroom, I winced a little bit each time I saw it.

Pride said, “It’s disrespectful of him to put that up in YOUR house.”

Love whispered, “Maybe…the fact that he’s comfortable enough to display happy memories of his parents together shows that he feels safe. And…maybe, a little empathy wouldn’t kill you, Sharapu.

When the yearbook dedication was made “just from his parents” to draw a clean, logical line in the sand, I agreed with the decision even while feeling the sting of exclusion.

Pride said, “That really sucks.”

Love said, “Yes. But, it’s not about you. And, you know he loves you.”

Over time, love has grown stronger in my heart. While pride still takes over at times, it doesn’t have the stronghold it once did. My relationship with Captain Starburst has helped to sanctify me and free me from the bondage that pride once had over me.

Can There Really Be a Sacred Purpose in Being a Stepmom?

But, what about that first definition of sanctify…about being set apart for a sacred purpose? If God hates divorce, how can anything about being a stepmom be considered “sacred?”

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

There have been many days when I’ve been shoveling the proverbial poo that comes with being a stepmom, and it doesn’t feel sacred. If I were given every option out there, I probably wouldn’t have chosen this path. Likewise, I wouldn’t have chosen a name for myself that originated with shoveling poo. Yet, when I get past my pride that tries to keep me from getting dirty, I find true beauty and purpose in my blended family.

Last year for Christmas, Captain Starburst gave me an angel charm for my Pandora bracelet. He said he picked the angel because I have made a big difference in his life, and he sees me as his angel. Of course, I cried like a baby.

Pride said…Nothing. This time, pride had nothing at all to say.

Love said, “Thank you, Lord. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to build this beautiful family, and please help me continue finding ways to show up in love.”