Adoption Day: Forever Family with All the Feels

I’ve been wanting to share about Lady M’s adoption day for quite some time. Yet, every time I sat down to write, I would get stuck.

How do I appropriately honor a day that was so beautiful for our family, yet tragic at the same time? I’ve seen this quote a few times, and it makes me stop and catch my breath each time I see it.

Adoption Finalization: Joyful Beginnings…Bittersweet Circumstances

For Lady M, our adoption finalization meant she was legally part of the family that she had joined months ago. She would have doors opened to her through the support of loving parents…help with school, the opportunity for a college education, and the support of a forever family as she entered adulthood.

At the same time, the circumstances were bittersweet. Lady M has a half-brother and half-sister who were not available for adoption when we found her on the Heart Gallery. They learned that their parents terminated parental rights just a couple of weeks before our adoption day. As Lady M was joining her forever family, they were losing theirs.

I discovered the reason I kept getting stuck when I would try to capture all of the emotion from that day. It was because I was missing the most important perspective!

Interview with Our New Daughter

I recently talked to Lady M about her adoption day to get her point of view.

How were you feeling on adoption day? I would guess there were probably a lot of mixed emotions.

I was pretty much excited…overwhelmed. I really didn’t know how to feel. I was mostly excited. I mean, I was joining a family that I truly loved and I wanted to be with. A year earlier, I didn’t think I would ever have another family. On top of that, I got to see my brother and sister in the morning before we went to the courthouse, so I was excited to see them.

And the cop who escorted us into the courtroom that day had been adopted himself. He was my buddy! That was pretty lit.”

Looking back, we didn’t actually know each other for that long before adoption. Because of your age and maturity, we all had the flexibility to skip steps in the “getting to know you” process based on our comfort level. This flexibility allowed us to actually finalize adoption just 6 months after we met you. Did it feel rushed to you at all?

No. I was ready. I don’t know when there would be a day of saying, ‘Okay. This is what it’s supposed to be. Now it’s time.’ I don’t think anything would be accomplished by waiting longer. I mean, my feelings for you guys have never changed.”

Even when you’re mad at us? 😉

<chuckle> Even when I’m mad at you guys. I mean, I knew that it was right, and I knew that we should be a family. I wanted to move quickly to make that happen. I don’t have any regrets.”

Did you have any mixed emotions about the timing of your brother and sister having their parental rights terminated just a couple weeks before we finalized your adoption?

I was sad for them. I was upset for them. Because they were seeing me as I got my family, right when they lost their family. It was hard for them because they thought they were losing their sister, even though I told them that they weren’t. It’s sad to watch your brother and sister not have a family and go through those emotions that I went through a year earlier.

But they have one thing I didn’t have; they have each other. I didn’t have them as I was going alone from home to home in the foster system. We still kept in touch and it was good to have them as a distraction. They helped me to remember why I needed to stay focused and healthy because I still wanted to be able to be a support for them too. But mostly, I was going through the foster system alone. It’s good that they have each other.”

It made me sad for your brother and sister, and angry at the mishandling of the situation, when they were still at the agency after we returned from the official adoption at the courthouse. We planned a party to celebrate you officially joining our family with everyone who supported you throughout your time in the system and came to your adoption. I think having to see that was unfair to them in light of their circumstances.

Yeah. To them, it was a day they were losing me. They saw everyone celebrating the day they were losing their older sister. I had to tell them, ‘Last name doesn’t mean that I’m not your sister. I will always be your sister.’ The relationship and bond I have with them aren’t based on a last name. Just like the relationship that I have with you guys started before we shared a last name.

Now, they’re doing well, and they’re in a stable foster home. I’m glad we’re talking regularly and get to see each other sometimes.

And I’m happy to be with my forever family.”

Foster Care Adoption Day Memories: All the Feels

It was definitely a day of “all the feels.” I have some memories and emotions from that day that will always stick with me.

My heart broke during our planned visit with Lady M’s half-brother and half-sister before the official adoption. Her younger brother asked me if we could just adopt them.

That question caught me on my heels even though I knew all the answers…

They weren’t available for adoption when we first met Lady M, or they would have been posted as a sibling group.

They have needs that don’t match up well with our family’s strengths.

We need to be responsible about who we say “yes” to with a 6-year-old in the house. If we’re not and the whole thing implodes, everyone loses.

Yet, none of that would be remotely helpful to the 12-year-old who was looking at me, just wanting a home with his big sister. I think I responded with an equally not helpful, “I’m sorry, we can’t right now,” and asked his therapist who was facilitating the session to follow up with him more later.

Our family’s situation is uniquely complex with all of our blended and extended family dynamics. But, just like life, adoption is messy. The beautiful and the painful are often all jumbled up, and it’s rare to have one without the other.

I also have so many joyful memories from that day…

Giving Lady M a Tiffany heart necklace engraved with her new initials and our adoption date.

Hearing Honyay’s dad choke up with emotion as he told Lady M how honored he was that she chose to join our family and take his last name.

Giving Princess Milkface a personalized heart locket engraved with James 1:27 and explaining to her that she was helping to do God’s work by welcoming Lady M into her family.

Most of all, watching the room filled with Lady M’s support team who loved her and cared for her before we even knew her….and all of us getting teary-eyed together when Honyay led us in a sparkling cider toast to Lady M as she officially joined our family.