Family Closure After Sexual Abuse – Part 2
Face to Face With Our Daughter’s Molester After 18 Months
I never would have guessed that I’d describe being face-to-face with the kid (now young man) who molested Princess Milkface as “beautiful.” But, when the therapist who facilitated our meeting used that word at the end of the session, I couldn’t think of anything more appropriate.
We were all very jittery walking into the building. So much so, that Captain Starburst pushed on the door to open it and declared the door was locked. We all sat outside for a couple minutes until I said, “Did you try pulling instead of pushing?” He managed to create a great icebreaker as we walked into the room to face Willy.
Sitting in the chair was a broken, frightened young man. But, he showed up and was ready to face us. We all mumbled some awkward hellos as we sat down. He said he was ready to share but asked if we had any questions we wanted him to answer.
Answers to Questions about Princess Milkface’s Abuse
Why did you choose us? Why Princess Milkface?”
Willy took accountability for using our trust against us. He shared that he grew up in a culture of sexual abuse for years….not as an excuse for doing something he knew was wrong….but as an explanation of why he would have even thought of doing it. He apologized for the pain he caused Princess Milkface and our entire family.
Why did you decide to confess instead of denying everything?”
Willy said it never occurred to him to do anything different. He didn’t even recognize the potential consequences since his own abuser never experienced them. He said he was glad he confessed because he had been living two separate lives…the one everyone saw, and the one he kept secret where he was a victim and an abuser. Now he’s focused on living just one life without all the secrets that had become normal to him.
Captain Starburst asked the next question, which turned out to be my favorite part of the night.
What was YOUR take on that crazy baseball game? I could see God present in so many moments around this, but that was one thing that just seemed so pointless to me.”
Willy sort of laughed, rolled his eyes, and started tearing up at the same time. The therapist asked us to share our perception, and I shared the impact it had on me. Then, Willy shared what happened from his side. He said his mom immediately called his dad when they saw us. They decided to take him home. He was crying as he shared that all he wanted was to sit with us and hang out like he always had in the past.
At that ridiculous baseball game, the natural consequences of Willy’s actions overwhelmed him. While the legal ramifications he was facing were significant, it was the loss of his “second family” that brought the severity of the situation into focus for him.
With that perspective, I believe God used a situation that felt so unnecessarily cruel to us to bring Willy to his knees…in repentance, in brokenness, now able to rebuild.
True Closure and Finding God’s Purpose in the Darkness of Sexual Abuse
We thanked him for confessing to his actions because it was a first, crucial step to our family’s healing.
We each told him we had forgiven him a long time ago, really for our own best interest. It felt good to have the opportunity to offer that forgiveness to him face-to-face.
We told him we were so sorry that he had experienced the horrible abuse that was perpetrated on him, and that we prayed for healing for him and his entire family.
As we were wrapping up, the Holy Spirit put Jeremiah 29:11 on my heart, and I shared it with Willy through my tears.
I told him I fully believed that God used our family to save him from the destructive path that he was following.
…That God stepped in and allowed us to catch him quickly to protect Princess Milkface and ultimately get him the help that he needed.
…That God armed a 5-year-old Princess Milkface with the bravery and awareness she needed to disclose her abuse.
…That God had equipped us to protect Princess Milkface
I told Willy that I believe that God saved him for a purpose, and I would be praying that he stay focused on following Him and discovering what that is. The incredible thing about Jeremiah 29:11 as the verse on my heart is that it’s not a blanket promise that God wants us to be prosperous and successful.
God was actually using Jeremiah to tell the captive Israelites that they would live with the consequences of their disobedience to God. They would remain captive in Babylon for at least 70 years, so they better suck it up and figure out a way to deal with it.
And yet.
He also told them that when that time was over, He would be faithful to His promises. He would restore them to His purpose for them, bringing them back to the land He promised them.
I entered that meeting not really sure what to expect, arriving late after we pushed on a pull door. I expected that I was doing this more for Willy than for me since I had forgiven him and moved on months ago. At the end of the meeting, we all hugged and I felt nothing but peace.
Oh…and the following morning, we read the letter Willy wrote to Princess Milkface. He personally confessed everything again, in his own handwriting. He apologized for the pain he caused our entire family and thanked her for her incredible bravery in disclosing her abuse. And, he told her he would be praying for her.
As I added that letter to the file folder we created for all of the documentation related to this event in our lives, I felt a true sense of closure.
I’m grateful we had the opportunity to second-guess our assumptions about both the practical logistics and the greater meaning of opening that door….about the purpose of the meeting that followed. As a result, we were able to gain the peace that passes all understanding, given only by the Holy Spirit.
