Foster Care Adoption: An Open Letter to Our Maybe Daughter

Dear Lady M,

You’ve been on my mind so much over the past couple weeks.  I can’t believe I’m going to meet you next weekend!  I’m simultaneously excited and nervous.

On one hand…I’m already creating a space for you…in my heart, in our home, with our family…

It feels so strange that I could already be falling in love with someone who I haven’t met.  From the time I read your Heart Gallery posting, something just clicked.  And, in the way that only God can orchestrate, everything fell in place so seamlessly that I just know you are intended to be our new daughter. I find myself daydreaming about what it will be like to have another daughter to bond with and do “girl stuff” with. I believe that with God’s help, I can be the mom that you need.  The idea that I have the ability to make that sort of impact in anyone’s life, especially yours, sweet girl, brings my to my knees in humble gratitude.

On the other hand…I’m just so nervous…

What if you meet us and don’t like us?  What if my goofy awkwardness and tendency to overshare All The Things in my heart and head completely freaks you out?  What if, regardless of my good intentions, I’m actually not the mom that you need?  What if my shortcomings and ever-present “should haves” that I catalog in my insomnia-induced 3AM parenting retrospectives are so significant that I hurt you in new ways?

When I get here, I have to take a step back and ask God to make me enough because I will never be enough on my own.  To smooth over our family’s rough edges and make us all whole.  And I realize that what terrifies me about this new adventure for all of us is exactly what I also love the most.  None of us can be “enough” to make us a family on our own. By answering God’s call to open our home to adoption, we are creating a space where we simply cannot be self-sufficient.  If I’m going to be honest with myself, we were never self-sufficient in the first place. It’s my prideful delusions of, “I got this,” that lead to my insomnia-inducing, self-shaming pangs of regret about the mom and wife that I wasn’t on any given day. To get it right, this next chapter in our lives must create a daily dependence on three key things:  God’s grace, our need for the savior we have in Jesus Christ, and guidance from the Holy Spirit as we live out our story.

When we told your case manager that we were excited to move forward to the next step after reviewing your history, she shared that you were SO NERVOUS that no one would want to adopt you because you “don’t present well on paper.” I fell in love with Honyay all over again when he immediately responded, “You can tell Lady M that I wouldn’t present well on paper either.”

When we read your history, we were heartbroken for everything that you had to endure in the first 16 years of your life. We read about some of the bad choices you made in response to the trauma you have experienced, and we understood. As Honyay said so perfectly, we wouldn’t present well on paper either.  We have our own broken back story that brought us together, and now to this point where our path is about to cross with yours.

So, I’ve kept busy this week as we get ready to meet you.

I’ve prayed a lot…for God’s guidance, for your safety and healing, for protection over our family as we take this step forward in faith.

I’ve googled “things to do” in your town at least 7 times, each time hoping something new pops up that looks like the perfect getting to know you activity.

I’ve created a photo book, so we can show you more about our family when we meet you.  I’ve googled every variety of “how to create a photo book when adopting from foster care” probably 17 times, trying to make sure we have the perfect balance of normal-ish family dynamics and fun represented.

While not appearing to be too perfect and complete without you.

And while also not appearing to be too desperate.

And, here I am…with my goofy awkwardness and my oversharing of All The Things in my heart and head. 🙂

Waiting to meet my next child.

Cringing even as I type these words out of fear that I could be jinxing something by being too presumptive.

But also whispering a prayer for God to once again show his faithfulness.  Trusting that he wouldn’t bring us here without a plan to bring us to the next step, and asking simply for the obedience I need to keep following.

I can’t wait to meet you on Saturday, sweet girl.  You already have my heart.

Love,

???

wait….Mom? Sharapu? something else?  Time to google “names for parents adopting from foster care.” 😉