Desert Time: Our Adoption from Foster Care Journey

Our Experience with Adopting from Foster Care

After we had an approved home study, we spent a year wandering in the proverbial desert (yes, sadly, this post is “Desert Time,” not “Dessert Time”).  Cheyenne was one of many kids we found on a Heart Gallery.  Each time, we submitted an inquiry and got no answer, or a generic, “Thanks, but you’re not a match.”  We didn’t really know what we were looking for in a child, and we changed direction several times…age range, boy vs. girl, etc.  It was a frustrating year of feeling like God had called us to the desert and just left us there to wander.

During that time, we had some challenging family dynamics. I felt like the rope in some sort of crazy spiritual warfare tug of war.  I started to evaluate our family and our marriage through some idealistic lens of adequacy for our calling to adopt.  When we would argue about stupid things like laundry, how could we possibly offer a safe home for a child who had been through unfathomable trauma?

I often caught myself not depending on God’s power and leadership through this phase of our lives, and found myself, with my own power, lacking.  Rather than accepting that these struggles were reminders of my need for a Savior, I kept trying to white knuckle my way toward achieving my definition of competence, of being good enough and ready for the purpose to which God had called me.

This was my state of mind as we headed into a vacation in the summer of 2017.  By the end of that vacation, we found ourselves in a state of crisis that effectively crushed any delusions of my ability to achieve adequacy or competence on my own.

Through that healing process, we had decisions to make. Most people would completely understand if we decided we couldn’t continue with adoption after the trauma we had experienced as a family.  However, we felt even more compelled to be obedient to God’s calling after experiencing His faithfulness during that storm,

Recommitment to Adoption with Narrowed Focus

We took time to heal together and prayed over God’s direction for our future. With God’s guidance, we narrowed down our search criteria to teenage girls (having been one myself, I can say this was definitely a God thing…this would not have been my first choice). We continued getting poor responsiveness from our most local agencies, so we gradually widened our search within the state.

As I was searching through Heart Galleries one day, I stumbled on a photo of a girl with her hair in braids.  She looked sort of self-conscious as she forced herself to smile for this photo that could be a connection point to a future.  I read her profile.

Are you looking for a kind, respectful, and caring teen who desires to be adopted? If so, Lady M fits the profile. Lady M is a friendly outgoing teen who has a very easygoing and laid back personality. In her free time Lady M enjoys reading fictional books, running track, socializing with friends in person and on social media, listening to music, and singing. Lady M states her biggest strength is the ability to forgive and she is passionate about family and helping others.

Lady M wishes to be adopted and to become a part of a loving and stable family. She desires to be adopted by an active family with other children in the home and a family willing and able to foster her bond with her biological siblings. Lady M is very optimistic about her future as she plans to attend college. However, Lady M is in need of a family to help her through the transition to adulthood.

If you feel your family is able to meet the needs of Lady M, please do not hesitate to contact us.”

Adoption Match?

I’d love to say there was a heavenly light that broke through my laptop, making it abundantly clear that Lady M would be our new daughter.  But to be honest, this sounded like so many other profiles that I had read.  I knew the agency was farther away than we would prefer.  And…I was getting tired….because it was late…of searching in general…Just. So. Tired.  I closed my laptop that night and went to bed.  Over the next few days, I kept revisiting this profile and ultimately shared it with Honyay.  He agreed we should inquire about Lady M.  As we submitted our home study AGAIN, our expectations were low.  After all, we had been at this frustrating process for over a year.

I was cautiously optimistic when the adoption manager replied within two hours, saying she would review our home study and let us know if we were a match. Two days later, my skepticism started to melt when she sent another email and said she’d like to talk to us.  At the end of our conversation, she told us we might be a match for Lady M.

A week later, we drove three hours to meet with Lady M’s care team and discuss our match potential in greater detail.  They had scheduled similar appointments with four other families and told us they’d be making a decision by the end of the day.  To say we had butterflies as we were driving home would be an understatement.

When the phone rang, we scrambled to answer it.  The adoption manager told us this had never happened to them before, but they were unable to reach a unanimous decision.  They had narrowed the options down to another family and us, but they were divided on which would be the best fit.  Because of her age and maturity level, they agreed that Lady M could consider both home studies and make the decision for herself.

Adoption Match!!!

The following Monday, the adoption manager called me at work.

I met with Lady M and presented both families’ home studies to her in an anonymous, unbiased way.  Both families had a lot of strengths to consider.  After a lot of discussion, she made a decision.  I need to share with you that she chose your family.”

I immediately burst into tears at my desk and started yelling into the phone.

Shut UP!!!!  For real???  She really chose us???”

I got goosebumps when she said,

Both families had a lot of strengths, but your faith was something that was important to her.  She believes going to a family with strong faith will help her continue to heal.”

We discussed the next steps to arrange a meeting.  As soon as we hung up, I called Honyay and told him we were a match.  He also reacted with shock and joy.  We spent over a year searching and wandering through the proverbial desert of foster care adoption.

Now we were matched with a child, and it was because of our faith.