Our Daughter Was Molested….AND God Was Faithful

WARNING – THIS POST CONTAINS CONTENT THAT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL READERS

Lord, please guide my words in all my writing, but especially on this topic, to share the message You have put on my heart.  Help me to represent the faithfulness you showed to my family when we faced our unthinkable storm of childhood sexual abuse.  Amen”

We Prepared for Vacation, Not Abuse

I was running around like a lunatic trying to prepare for a 6:00AM flight that we would be taking in about 12 hours. We were heading to the Thousand Islands to spend time unwinding at my in-laws’ house with extended family. That peaceful area, with its spotty mobile coverage and a slower pace, was exactly what my overwhelmed spirit needed. We just had to get there.

Captain Starburst (my 17-year-old stepson) was taking his best friend, Willy*(name changed to protect privacy) with us for vacation.  While we knew him from school and sports events, he hadn’t spent a ton of family time with us. The doorbell rang. It was Willy. And….Captain Starburst was still at his mom’s house. Perfect.

I invited him in and called Captain Starburst to tell him about this turn of events.  Then I immediately returned to my frantic pace of list-making, packing, list-checking, oh wait…what about dinner, chaos.

I passed Honyay (my husband) on the stairs during one of my laps around the house, and he stopped me and told me to just calm down.  He said, “Don’t let this steal your joy.” I stared at him patiently, waiting for the pep talk to be over, so I could resume my hurricane level of activity. Then he started singing (and he’s not really a singer) the Rend Collective lyrics, “The joy of the Lord is my strength. In the darkness I’ll dance, In the shadows I’ll sing.” I laughed at him and returned to my chaos, but those words would linger and transform to have a far deeper meaning for me over the upcoming weeks and months.

Our Family’s Story of Sexual Abuse

Fast forward a week. We made some great memories on the lake…swimming, boating, tubing, and campfires. Honyay’s brother and his family were also camping at my in-laws, so we had a total of 11 kids running around for a large part of the week.  It was beyond crazy and chaotic, but it was fun.

We decided to go out to dinner on Friday night as vacation was winding down. Right before we left, Honyay pulled me aside and said, “Hey. Keep your eye on Willy with Princess Milkface (our 5-year-old daughter). I’ve seen them playing together on their own a few times, and something just seems off.” I was incredulous at first because Willy fit in and had played so well with all the kids, but I trusted his instincts and agreed to keep an eye out.

After dinner, we decided to do a movie night and we were going to watch The Shack. I put Princess Milkface to bed before the movie started, but she started Bedtime Olympics because she might be missing out on something.

I’m thirsty.

One more hug.

It’s too dark.

My butt hurts.

Princess Milkface had been in a wet bathing suit for days playing in the lake, so her sore butt didn’t really surprise me. I got some diaper rash cream and took her into the bathroom.  As I was putting it on her, I said the same thing I said so many times before.  “Remember, private parts. Nobody touches you here except for me. And only if you need help with something.”

All of a sudden, Honyay’s warning got louder in my head. I took a deep breath before nonchalantly asking, “Has anyone else touched you here?”

She replied, “Yes, Mommy. Willy did.”

All I could think of at that moment was the coaching our adoption class instructor had provided. She taught us that children from foster care could initially disclose sexual abuse to us once they feel safe in our home. They would typically share that information when you’re in the midst of doing other things because they feel less vulnerable.  So…driving somewhere, in the kitchen getting dinner ready, etc.  She emphasized the importance of not having an emotional reaction in the moment.

Instead of reacting with the shock you’re feeling, just stay focused on the task at hand.  You’re at the sink peeling potatoes?  Just keep peeling the potatoes and think before you react.

Here I was. Not yet matched with a child to adopt. In my in-laws’ bathroom with my own 5-year-old. Saying to myself…

Just keep peeling the potatoes. Just. Keep. Peeling. The. Potatoes.

Then I hugged Princess Milkface and thanked her for telling me. I told her I was very proud of her, and that she didn’t do anything wrong. Then she looked me in the eye and said something that still makes my blood run cold.

Mommy, I thought about lying to you, but I didn’t.

No honey, you didn’t.  And I am SO PROUD of you for that.

After that, I put her back to bed, walked back to the living room in complete shock, and sat down with my family and Willy to watch the movie. And I sat there through the entire movie without saying a word to anyone. Just processing what I heard and reeling in disbelief. This person, who we invited on our family vacation, violated our trust and our daughter.  Now he was sitting in the same room with us watching a movie as though he had done nothing. How do I even begin to handle this?  I mentally revisited my conversation with Princess Milkface, trying to poke holes in the conclusion I had formed…

Did I lead Princess Milkface to say his name?

Would she make something like this up?

Was she confused?

No. If none of that was true, then my stepson’s best friend from his private Christian school molested my daughter, who had just turned 5.

Grace AND Accountability

I sat there and churned over what to do with this information. There was a part of me that just wanted to bury it because of the trauma this knowledge would bring to my entire family. But I couldn’t. I knew the time would come when Princess Milkface would be old enough to understand what happened, and I wanted her to know that when she told me she was unsafe, I did everything I could to protect her.

After the movie, I pulled Honyay aside and told him what had happened. He was furious, but under control when he told me to stay with Princess Milkface (who was sleeping) while he told his parents and prayed with them.

I would love to say that I sat there and passionately poured my heart out to the Lord in prayer while I was waiting. But I just was so numb. I remember I kept trying to pray but couldn’t get past, “Lord, please.”

Honyay came back with his parents and told me that he was going to confront Willy immediately. I was nervous but also found reassurance in his calmness.  As we stood around the boys sitting at the table at 1:00 in the morning, the Holy Spirit was present in a way I had never experienced. Honyay calmly addressed Willy with what Princess Milkface had disclosed. Willy admitted to crossing the line but tried to emphasize that it was “accidental.” Captain Starburst was crushed. We all prayed together and told the boys to try to get some rest.

My night of Googlemania began.

What to do when your child has been sexually abused

How to handle child sexual abuse if you’re a Christian

What is the penalty for sexual abuse in New York?

Who do you call to report sexual abuse?

And on and on it went. I learned a lot that night. I learned that, according to Darkness to Light, one in 10 children will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday, and that girls are five times more likely to be victims. I thought about friends I have personally known who struggled with the impact of childhood sexual abuse as adults. I was convinced that no matter what else happened, we had to report this to the authorities because it was the first step to getting Princess Milkface the help she needed.

In the morning, everyone was calm. We called Willy’s parents and told them what happened. We said we would be calling the authorities and that we would keep them updated, so they could make their plans. We prayed, we took a deep breath, and we called the New York State Police to tell them something that would have been unthinkable a week earlier:

Our five-year-old daughter was molested by a 17-year-old friend of our family.

Then, the blessings started.

Yes, you read that right.

God Was So, So Good

God’s protection and guidance poured down all around us as a deluge of grace in the middle of our storm of a lifetime. While we were heartbroken, we also never felt more in awe of God’s presence and intervention through this experience.

We just so happened to watch The Shack, a movie about forgiveness and not taking vengeance and judgement in our own hands, the night we needed it most.

My in-laws’ next door neighbor just so happened to work for the district attorney’s office. They were an incredible source of knowledge and support before the police even arrived.

The state troopers, investigator and Assistant District Attorney were nothing short of miraculous sources of compassion while being incredibly effective in their positions.

Willy signed a full confession with the investigator.

Because God called us to adoption, Honyay was well-versed in signs of predator grooming to see the red flags, and I was sufficiently trained to react in a safe, supportive way when my 5-year-old disclosed her abuse to me.

According to the professionals who supported us, it was unheard of to catch abuse so quickly AND for the perpetrator to issue a full confession. Without the Holy Spirit’s power, Honyay would have attacked Willy, eliminating any possibility of his cooperation.

If we had found out just 72 hours later, we would have attempted to navigate the legal aspects from another state.  Additionally, Willy would have already left the state where the crimes had occurred.

If we didn’t find out when we did, it could have continued for months without our knowledge, significantly increasing trauma for Princess Milkface.

We later realized that God provided us a source of safety and comfort that we all needed for Princess Milkface to start kindergarten just two weeks later.  We had waitlisted her as a long shot at a Christian elementary school. For whatever reason, they chose to contact us first when a spot opened at the last minute. Based on the timeline Willy provided in his confession, that call came one day after the abuse began.

Something I have often asked when confronted with the brokenness of our world is, “Why?”

Lord, why do you let terrible things happen to great people?

Lord, why do abusive parents have no problem getting pregnant when my friend who would be such an amazing mom struggles with fertility?

Lord, why don’t the bad people in this world ever get just punishment while some good people struggle to get by?

Funny thing though…now that it’s happened to me, I don’t feel like I need to ask. I take comfort in knowing that God chose us for this.

Maybe because He had prepared us by calling us to adoption.

Maybe to get us past the fear (we called it protecting Princess Milkface) that made us hesitant to adopt children who were victims of sexual abuse.

Maybe because He knew we would catch it quickly…He used us to save Willy from even more damaging choices.

Maybe because He wanted me to share our testimony and help bring awareness to a subject that breaks God’s heart even more than ours.

Or, maybe it was something else.  His ways are higher than my ways, so I may never know.

But I know this.  He brought us through that devastating time, and He helped us heal.

The joy of the Lord IS my strength.